Scott Adams quotations

1. I read somebody got shot in the head in Oregon. Somebody shot him because he looked like a rodent. Obviously their are a lot of swimming rodents out their. Somebody getting shot in the head isn’t funny, but if somebody mistook you for a rodent and shot you but if your head was to dense for the bullet to impale is.

2.Apparently the airport security people are trained to look at your face to see if you are twitching like a terrorist. So I try to put on my most innocent look. But I worring that  a fake innocent look i exactly what a terrorist would use. I’m not a good actor. When I smile it doesn’t even look like a smile. It’s more of a grimace mixed with a note of surprise and perhaps a dash of intestinal discomfort. When the security guy writes somthing on my boarding pass I want to change the code but because I don’t know the code I worry that I’ll change the “innocent traveler” code to “Bin Laden Kill KILL KILL” CODE

Party-stopping question (comments by Scott Adams)

1.What 2 criteria would match people better than sense of humor and ass size?

2. Would you sell your DNA for $100 million if you knew your clone would become a sex slave to a billionare?

Swear words from Closing time

page 246

Fuck the press   said Wintergreen. It gives them another fucking story when they find out we lied.

Now you’re talking my fucking language    said the adjutant to the commander of marines.

And I applaud your fucking honesty     admitted a colonel

Where’s the fucking cockpit?     

Inside the fucking wing, sir, with everything else.

will a crew of 2 be as effective as a fucking crew of four?

more      said Milo.

And what the fuck fucking difference does it fucking make if they’re fucking effective or not?       asked Wintergreen.

I get your fucking point sir, said Major Bowes.

                                                                                     :

                                                                                     :

Can anything go faster than light?

sure Marty light can go faster than light

Read your fucking Einstein!

                                                                                          :

                                                                                          :

Certainly Mr. Wintergreen. Gentlemen what the fuck difference does it make if the fucking planes come back or not?

None Colonel Pickering

Thank you Major Bowes you fuck

Not at all you bastard

Gentlemen I want the record to show I have never in my life been called a shithead not since I was a young boy

shithead!

asshole!

prick!

Your fucking bombers you say carry nuclear boms that will penetrate the fucking earth before exploding?

Your fucking missiles can’t do that

                                                                                                       :

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Can your plane destroy the world?

we can make in uninhabitable but we can’t destroy it.

I can live with that!

Funny statements from Catch-22

page75

“In 60 days you’ll be fighting Billy Petrolle” the colonel with the big fat mustache roared “And you think it’s a big fat joke.”

“I don’t think it’s a joke, sir” Clevinger replied.

“Don’t interrupt.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And say ’sir’ when you do,” ordered Major Metcalf.

“Yes, sir”

“Weren’t you just ordered not to interrupt?” Major Metcalf inquired coldly.

“But I didn’t interrupt, sir” Clevinger protested.

“No, and you didn’t say ’sir’ either. Add that to the charges against him,” Major Metcalf directed the corporal who could take shorthand. “Failure to say ’sir’ to superior officers when not interrupting them.”

“Metcalf,” said the colonel, “you’re a goddam fool. Do you know that?”

Major Metcalf swallowed with difficulty. “Yes sir”

“Then keep your goddam mouth shut. You don’t make sense.”

                                                                :

                                                                :

“What did you when you said we couldn’t punish you.”

“When sir?”

“I’m asking the questions. You’re answering them.”

“Yes sir I-”

“Did you think we brought you here to ask questions and for me to answer them?”

“No sir I-”

“What did we bring you here for?”

“To answer questions”

“You’re goddam right,” roared the colonel. “Now suppose you start answering some before I break your goddam head. Just what the hell did you mean, you bastard when you said we couldn’t punish you?”

“I don’t think I ever made that statement sir.”

“Will you speak up please? I couldn’t hear you.”

“Yes, sir I-”
“Will you speak up please? He couldn’t hear you.”
“Yes sir I-”

“Metcalf?”

“Sir?”

“Didn’t I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut?”

“Yes sir.”

“Then keep your stupid mouth shut when I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut. Do you understand? Will you speak up please? I couldn’t hear you.”

“Yes sir. I-”

“Metcalf, is that your foot I’m stepping on?”

“No sir. It must be Lieutenant Scheisskopf’s foot.”

“It isn’t my foot” said Lituenant Scheisskopf.

“Then maybe it is my foot after all,” said Major Mectalf.

“Move it.”

“Yes sir. You’ll have to move your foot first, Colonel. It’s on top of mine.”

“Are you telling me to move my foot?”

“No, sir. Oh no sir.”

“Then move your foot and keep your stupid mouth shut. Will you speak up please? I still couldn’t hear you.”

                                                                                                                :

                                                                                                                :

“Didn’t you whisper that we couldn’t punish you to that other dirty son of the bitch we don’t like? What’s his name?”

“Yossarian sir.” Lieutenant Scheisskopf said.

“Yes, Yossairan. That’s right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of a name is Yossarian?”

Lieutenant Scheisskopf had the facts at his finger tips.” It’s Yossarian’s name, sir” he explained.

                                                                                                              :

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“I may be stupid but the distinction escapes me. I guess I’m pretty stupid, because distinction escapes me. You are a windy son of a bit aren’t you?”

“No, sir.”

“No sir? Are you calling me a goddam liar.”

“Oh no sir”

“Then you’re a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you?”

“No sir”

“Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”

“No sir”

“Are you a windy son of a bitch?”

“No sir”

“Goddammit, you are trying to pick a fight with me. For 2 stinking cents I’d jump of this big, fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb.”

“Do it! Do it!” cried Major Metcalf.

“Metcalf, you stinking son of a bitch. Didn’t I tell you to keep your stinking, cowardly mouth shut?”

                                                                                                      :

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“Popinjay, is your father a millionaire, or a member of the Senate?”

“No sir”

“Then you’re up shit creek, Popinjay, without a paddle. He’s not a general of a high-ranking member of the Administration, is he”

“No sir”

“That’s good. What does your father do?”

“He’s dead sir”

“That’s very good. You really are up the creek, Popinjay.”

regrettable, enjoyable activities.

Yesterday I was playing a game on the airplane. It was a game called insaniquarium. It was a game where you had to feed fish and if it got big enough it gives you money. There is this alien which eats fish. If all my fish dies than the game ends. If I manage to kill the alien with a laser gun than you get a diamond which is worth much. In order to end a level you have to buy 3 egg pieces. If you get 3 egg pieces than you get a egg. In this egg their is some animals such as stinky the snail, Guppy the mother fish, or the pearl oyster. The snail picks up the money that the fish continuously let down. This is good because it is difficult to click all the coins, Guppy the mother fish gives birth to guppies every so often. and the oyster gives a pearl every often. It was interesting and I was having fun but my mother told be to turn the game off and sleep. But right then my guppies were being eaten by aliens. so I pretended to sleep and kept playing. I regret it but it was enjoyable.

Some games to do when bored

1)You could play the Mayan version of basketball.

Directions: first you get a hoop. Then gather an even number of people to play. Get a ball made of the skin of you enemies, (or just a bouncy rubber ball). Then play basketball with your friends.

Rules: Before you start having ‘fun’ with your friends you should be aware of the rules. The first rule is, this game has 3 periods. The first period is 10 minutes. The second period is 20 minutes. Then the last period is 40 minutes. If the score is an even by the end of the 3rd period the 4th period which goes on forever starts. The second rule is that there are no penalties or warnings so you can stab your opponents to death. Or start dog piling them on the floor. You can trip, stab, smash, slash, smack, amputate, or excecute during this game. So the tip is to kill your opponents within the first period. The third rule is that if one team dies then the opponent wins. The last most important rule is that if you lose your team’s hearts get sacrificed to the sun god, (or you have to buy lunch).

2)You can play the game that Americans played during the world war 2.

Directions: First you get a Nazi prisoner, (or a willing volunteer.) Then put a grenade into his pocket. Then pull the top off the grenade and let the prisoner go. If the prisoner, or volunteer, quickly pulls out the grenade and throw it to the ground so he or she doesn’t get blown up to smithereens the prisoner, or volunteer lives, and the people who put the grenade in the pocket dies. If the prisoner is too late and gets blowed into smithereens than it doesn’t matter because he’s a Nazi. (If he or she was a willing volunteer since they were willing it’s okay when they die.)

Rules: Pull and run as quickly as possible.

Some pun from the internet

1. Don’t be the first to use it- pioneers lived in mud huts.

2. Don’t believe in superstition, it brings bad luck.

3. Please be a tree and leave.

4. Don’t mark the spot where you bury your hatchet.

5. Cheer up, you’ll soon be dead.

6. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

7. There are three sides to every arguement. Your side, my side, and the right side.

8. Economists, the destroyer of economy.

9. President, the president of fraud and crime.

10. Police, the breaker of law and the duke of violence.

 

If you didn’t like it you can leave…… now!!!!

Merry Christmas-horror,funny

In the Middle Ages their was a selfish king with a fat, selfish son named Jim. After the king had spent lots of time thinking about what he should do to solve his son’s selfishness the kind decided that his son should have a honest and kind friend. So he went out on a walk on the countryside and took the first boy he saw to his palace. The king went to the boy’s parents and promised  the boy a high yearly salary and that the poor boy would be educated. When the boy went to the palace he suffered for a year because of the prince’s selfishness. Since the teachers could not flog the prince they decided to give ‘pain’ to the prince by watching his ‘friend’ be flogged. However the prince thought that the poor boy was just there to be his sort of bodyguard. And later the king sent the poor boy home on the day of Christmas eve saying that the poor boy had commited a crime so grotesque that it could not be possibly pardoned and did not give the poor boy his year salary. When the poor boy came home naturally his parents were extremely angry. The poor boy did not have any skin left on his back. It was all scabbed because of the floggings he had recieved because the prince was caught sleeping in class. Also he did not get a good Christmas present from the king or the yearly salary. So the poor boy’s father cried and called for the heavens that his son’s stocking over the furnace should be filled by the king and the prince themselves. And all the family went to sleep with their hearts saddened. The next day came the merry, jolly Christmas and so the poor boy went to his stocking to see what kind of present he had recieved. He saw with horror that his stocking was much bigger than yesterday and soaked with a blood red sticky liquid. The top of the stocking was sewn tightly so he had to cut open the thread. As the top of the stocking was revealed the son gasped because the mutilated body of the king and the prince were in his merry, jolly Christmas present.

My friend Jim-funny

I have known a person named Jim since I was born. Jim is nice and makes me happy when I talk to him.

However he has a problem but I can’t figure out what’s the problem.

Everybody runs away when he comes near. I know that Jim’s a good guy but no one seems to know. When I try to tell them they don’t try to listen and call Jim a freak. I know Jim as well as I know myself because…

I am Jim’s second head.

Simplify -paradox

One day when Buddha was meditating to earn a enlightenment he suddenly wondered what other people did while he tried to achieve what he saw as having no fear, anguish, anger, stupidity, and hunger. So he ordered all his disciplines to write down all the jobs that existed and what these people with these jobs did. About 6 months later 100 books layed before him. There were every kind of  jobs and descriptions of what these people did. But Buddha was a lazy and fat man who did not like to do anything but meditate so he squealed out loud like a pig he was, “SIMPLIFY!!!” All his disciplines cowered in his fury. About 3 months later there were about 10 books in front of Buddha. The disciplines had reduced all the description of the jobs into a few words like ‘doctor: a healer of people’ when it used to be ‘Doctor: this kind of job is a job where a person tries to heal another person by using chemicals or plants from the forest. ‘ As you can see that book had become much simpler but the Buddha had started to become an alcohol addict and cried out drunkenly “Make iiit seeeeempleeeer…………..z-z-z-z-z… So the disciplines left the drunken Buddha and after 2 months the disciplines put a sheet of paper in front of Buddha had became a very bad man by then. He drunk, raped, slept too much, ate too much, and had became a nuisance to the surrounding people. However when the Buddha saw the sheet of paper he was so surprised that he fell back with surprise. On the paper it said ” All people do what they think will help each other and the society, except one person who is the worthless Buddha who pretends to be meditating but actually dozing off.”